the death of my cousin aka. my brother Dayn Schulman

What can I say..My cousin killed himself last tueday 11/21. He was one of the last people I would have bet on to do this to hmself, our family, his friends. But he truth is this, he did it and he is dead now at 35 yrs old.
He parents had both died years ago, he had no kids, no wife, only us..his cousins, aunts and uncles and our nana who is 91 yrs old.

He was my brother in the clothes of a first cousin. He was raised as my brother.

My brother and I were tasked with cleaning up his ome; going to the scene of the death, seeing how he lived, how he felt he deserved to life. He lived with bottles and bottles of empty canadian mist and beer, He lived with pounds upon pounds of pot, he lived with rolled up dollar bills and blood stained tissue. He lived with dirty filty clothes. He lived with peanut butter and jelly, almonds and cat food.

More later.I am haunted by what I saw, what I cleaned, the note he left, what I heard and what I have left to do

Cool Quotes!

"We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world." - Helen Keller

"When I hear music, I fear no danger. I am invulnerable. I see no foe. I am related to the earliest times, and to the latest." - Henry David Thoreau

"A heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others." -The Wizard of Oz

Smile Like You Mean It

"Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been." - Mark Twain

"If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love. Don't be surly at home, then go out in the street and start grinning Good morning at total strangers." - Maya Angelou



"If in our daily life we can smile, if we can be peaceful and happy, not only we, but everyone will profit from it. If we really know how to live, what better way to start the day than with a smile? Our smile affirms our awareness and determination to live in peace and joy. The source of a true smile is an awakened mind." - Thich Nhat Hanh


"Smile Like You Mean It" - The Killers

Save some face, you know you've only got one
Change your ways while you're young
Boy, one day you'll be a man
Oh girl, he'll help you understand
Smile like you mean it Smile like you mean it
Looking back at sunsets on the Eastside
We lost track of the time
Dreams aren't what they used to be
Some things slide by so carelessly

Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Everybody's had to fight to be free

We got somethin' we both know it
We don't talk too much about it
Yeah it ain't no real big secret all the same
Somehow we get around it
Listen it don't really matter to me baby
You believe what you want to believe
You see you don't have to live like a refugee

Somewhere, somehow somebody
Must have kicked you around some
Tell me why you wanna lay there
And revel in your abandon
Listen it don't make no difference to me baby
Everybody's had to fight to be free
You see you don't have to live like a refugee
Now baby you don't have to live like a refugee

Baby we ain't the first
I'm sure a lot of other lover's been burned
Right now this seems real to you
But it's one of those things
You gotta feel to be true

Somewhere, somehow somebody
Must have kicked you around some
Who knows, maybe you were kidnapped
Tied up, taken away and held for ransom
It don't really matter to me
Everybody's had to fight to be free

You see you don't have to live like a refugee
I said you don't have to live like a refugee

Coda - Lyrics - Sponsee - Oh Yeah!

I go to Coda..I've been going for almost two and a half years! I used to have a stigma about Coda/co-dependents blah blah blah..but I was sick, my soul was dying, I was a shadow of my self, and as a last ditch effort, I went.

And I am so happy and grateful that I did. About 18 months in, a young woman asked me to be her sponsee..and thus our killer friendship began! It's like being a mentor (I am 16 yrs older than her) and I get so much out of the relationship!
We meet weekly, send emails back and forth to one another and becasue I am a bit on the quirky side, I send her song lyrics often.

Certain songs speak to me, speak to that place in me that needs a bit of attention, sunshine and warmth..I could go on and on, but I'll shut it for a bit and just add some of the emails we have shared together.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Upon sending her the lyrics to "Blue Light"by Bloc Party I wrote:

"These songs are just KILLING me..I mean, like fucking Oxygen!
Like water..like pure love joy the best sunset you have ever witnessed!
I am So glad you love them too! "

"Blue Light"

You'll find it hiding in shadows
You'll find it hiding in cupboards
It will walk you home safe every night
It will help you remember

If that's way it is
Then that's the way it is

I still feel you and the taste of cigarettes
What could I ever run to
Just tell me it's tearing you apart
Just tell me you cannot sleep

And you didn't even notice
When the sky turned blue
And you couldn't tell the difference
Between me and you
And I nearly didn't notice
The gentlest feeling

You are the bluest light

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eariler this summer, my sponsee was having a very very hard time with her best friend who was diving into the world of speed use, so I asked her to to write a letter (a letter that we both knew would not be sent so she could really GO there and not worry about feelings on the receivig side). I read the letter and was floored! It was so powerful, heartful and painful too.

My response was as follows:
"WOW..I am speechless and overwhelmed with emotion..YOU really have a gift with writing your words/thoughts/emotions..but that is not what we are here to talk about you and I..
we are here to discuss You..your feelings, your emotions and continue to experience possibilities for you, in this new life of yours..
So, I ask, how did it feel to write this letter? How did it feel to be this honest? What comes up for you around you?
Do you think this exercises helped you get to places where you couldn't? Did it assist you in being real? Having integrity? Being Big? Just thoughts to ponder..
I love you and I am SO Proud of You"

Jimi Lyrics..He understood!!

From Jimi Hendrix: Straight Ahead

Hello, my friend
so happy to see you again
I'm so alone
All by myself
Just couldn't make it.
Have you heard Baby
What the winds blowing down
Have you heard Baby
A lot of peoples coming right on down.

Communication coming on strong
it don't give a damn Baby
if your hair is short or long
I said get out of your grave
Everybody is dancing in the street
Do what you know don't be slow
You gotta practice what you preach
Cause it's time for you and me.

Forget about the past Baby
Things ain't what they use to be
Keep on Straight Ahead
We got to stand side by side
We got to stand together and organize
They say power to the people
Thats what they're screamin'
Freedom of the soul
Pass it on, pass it on to the young and old.

You got to tell me the children the truth
they don't need a whole lot of lies
Cause one of these days Baby
They'll be running things.
So when you give them love
You better give it right
Woman - Child - Man and Wife
the best love to have is the Love of Life.

Hello my friend
So good to see you again
Been all by myself
I don't think I can make it alone
Keep Pushing Ahead.

Thank you Jonathan Safran Foer

THE Writings of Jonathan Safran Foer:
"Everything is Illuminated" was the best of the best in my opinion..it slayed me with passion, empathy, honesty and humor. I cried millions of tears late into the night reading the pages of the multi-generational web!

Then came "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" and again, I was floored..tears streaming down my face, I wanted to rage and pound my fists! I wanted to jump through the pages and help Oskar..I felt his pain (as we all did after 9/11) and I felt his triumph too!

Thank you Thank you Jonathan Safran Foer!

Music I am totally loving thses days...

Bloc Party
Chikinki
The Cloud Room
Fischerspooner
Rock Kills Kid
Ladytron
Tiga

Lyrics to "This Modern Love" by Bloc Party (these Kill me!)

To be lost in the forest
To be cut adrift
You've been trying to reach me
You bought me a book
To be lost in the forest
To be cut adrift
I've been paid
I've been paid

Don't get offended
If I seem absent minded
Just keep telling me facts
And keep making me smile
Don't get offended
If I seem absent minded
I get tongue-tied
Baby, you've got to be more discerning
I've never known what's good for me
I will be yours

I'll pay for you anytime

You told me you wanted to eat up my sadness
Well jump on, enjoy, you can gorge away
You told me you wanted to eat up my sadness
Jump right on
Baby, you've got to be more discerning
I've never known what's good for me
Baby, you've got to be more demanding
I will be yours

What are you holding out for?
What's always in the way?
Why so damn absent-minded?
Why so scared of romance?

This modern love breaks me
This modern love wastes me

Do you wanna come over and kill some time?
Tell me facts, tell me facts, tell me facts
Tell me facts
Throw your arms around me

Sharing is Caring

I feel as though I need to be writing something smart, eloquent and witty..in actuality, the majority of thoughts that revolve around my brain (notice I did not say "evolve") are thoughts regarding connection, participation, sharing, communities, sex and music. (I mean, of I am going to write this blog why not be real right!?)

So..sharing..sharing is caring. We hear phrases all the time that encompass this very idea, such as "the more the merrier", "you are not alone", "I love you", "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"...etc.

We are on email, blogs, AIM all day sharing with each other. Sure, sometimes it professional chatting, but most often, it's more in the form of reaching out, saying hi, sending a hug, giving a shout out etc.. we share playlists where we use to make mix tapes for our friends, we share photos on Flickr and ofoto, where we used to get all steamed up that there was such a thing as one hour photo and we could develop our pictures and send to friends all in the same day!
We used to send snail mail, and now we can write and send an email in a matter of minutes, anywhere in the world! This is COOl shit! And a great time to be alive and in the cyber world!

Oh yeah, we make connections with strangers too, here on earth and in virtual Worlds; how about eBay, craigslist, match.com, myspace, online poker, Second Life, Habba Hotels and on and on..

I have more to comment here but I am gonna stop, think, change this song, grab a diet coke and I'll be back later.